Nothing to say

I probably don't post more than I want because I don't have much to say. Nothing that doesn't have the air of negativity, anyway. I probably don't have much more to say about my life beyond the many cases of disappointments and terrible luck.

Whether it be through my own inaction or a force I'm not aware of, I always seem to be let down most of the time. I seem to be unable to succeed when I attempt something with earnest, yet recognised for a half-assed job. I don't have any recent cases to cite, though.

That's because I decided at a time I no longer remember, that if I do something it should be filled with earnest. If not, you won't go anywhere. Even if my luck shows otherwise, that's why I feel that I can't bring myself to get a job or go back to schooling. Not yet.

What kind of thing fills me with energy?

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Dreams of the new year

The end of the year is always full of reflection. Thoughts of your dreams, desires, and whatnot. Gift giving and friendliness, et cetera. Christmas and the New Year always seems to be a lonely time for me. It's a strange feeling, where, despite knowing you have people beside you, and friends you may reach if you call for them, you still feel alone. Like you can't connect that strongly to them. I seem to be able to fit in relatively well whenever I try, but I don't feel a strong bond of friendship. I always think about that, around this time of year. I always end up spending my time alone, on my own volition, for better or worse.

So I've begun playing EVE Online again. The last time I played was about the same time, last year, on a 14-day trial. This game is one that seems to have stayed in my heart for a long time, despite all the other MMORPGs I try out and drift across. To me, an MMORPG is supposed to be an RPG with ultimate freedom. You can truly do what you want, in EVE. There's no grind for experience points, you make money however you want, and do whatever you want, in the infinite expanse of space.

This time it's a 21-day trial. There's this thing you can do where, if you have enough in-game cash, you can buy a Game Time Card to keep playing. It's a legal method to try to counter the third-party money sellers. For some reason I've been hesitant with subscribing, and it's an interesting challenge. I want to try going for it again.

But, with the year nearing its end, I also begin to reflect upon myself. Nothing seems to change, and it's the same thing again. My thoughts trail to nowhere. I am uncertain with my own future. Or perhaps, I am uncertain with my desire to walk towards a future I have already looked upon.

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A late update

I wonder why I'm posting again. It's been so, so long since I last made a post. I can't really seem to stay that long, or that dedicated if I don't believe in something. That's a feeling that exists in all people. No one probably reads this thing that much, or at all.

I think one must wonder, though: Why am I posting here, of all places? Why don't I start afresh and make something new, or wipe it all clean? It's probably because, discarding the past also means discarding yourself. The past is what made you what you are; it is the chronicle of what you have been, and what you are. Even behind the anonymity of the internet, this exists. I'll probably forget it, never touch or look at these older posts ever again, but they contributed to my experiences, and I acknowledge that. That's why I made a blog with the intention of it being an amalgam of many subjects that I do. It's messy, but this is probably more true to myself.

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Living in an incredibly unique house, part 1

I live in an incredibly unique house. I've lived here for about 11 years and thinking back, this house has always been very unusual.

A peculiar thing about it, is that this house was fairly cheap. It was in fairly bad condition, and very old. Now, the house is in an even worse condition, as we haven't really been taking care of it. In addition, the house as been painted, and part of a stairway replaced, so it doesn't look that great now. I've taken several photos, but there are no photos of its former glory...

The house is two stories high. This is very unusual, as all the other houses are only one story high. On one side (left, if you look towards the house), the one storey house is as high as ours. We are located on a small hill. On the other side is a straight drop, as if the dirt was lifted away by a bulldozer.

The house is built around a fairy large natural rock. Most of the left side is just natural rock. The steps leading up to the verandah was formerly stone. A very colourful variety of natural rocks and spare bricks made up the steps. They are now removed and ugly grey cement, and dull tiles replace it.

The right exterior consists of earth. Numerous vertical planks and bricks are placed to create steps, and to stop the earth from sinking. However, a fair amount has now sunk, and the bricks are no longer close together, and horizontal. I feel uneasy walking on them. Many plants grow on these steps.

The front wall of the house is made of a strange brick. It is dark, and very rough. It was as if it were sandstone, roughly chipped from the ground. The side walls are from normal, light brown, clay brick. The guttering and roof was green. Now, the brick walls are painted white, and the guttering changed to blue. It is now even more visually distinct.

The driveway is fairly steep, made of gravel. It is a steep curve, and every time the car drives down I hear a quick screech of metal.

The backyard was likely the location of a great garden. A finely made raised cement platform takes up an entire corner, with large colourful rocks making up it's walls. Peculiar designed cement bricks cover the border. It is now littered with discarded junk. A normal brick platform adjacent to it, was originally covered with weeds. There are many potted plants around here.

The verandah's fencing is thick, latticed timber. I do not know if it was originally there or moved from our former house, but there is a rusted, latticed metal table out here.

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A truth that I don't think anyone wants to think of

I don't really know what to do for Blog Action Day. What can I write? You could say that I'm a young, inexperienced kid. I can't give advice, and there are many other people who could do a better job than me. Right now, I can't write anything beyond my personal experiences and thoughts on this theme.

Well then, lets follow my train of thought.

The word "environment" covers alot of things. Basically, it covers pretty much anything in the natural world and its state.

Let me start on the subject of oil and fossil fuels. I get the feeling that people have been focused on oil long enough to not notice what revolves around it. Basically, if we run out of this natural resource, the world as we know it will change forever. Oil is at the center of almost everything.

Why? We are incredibly dependant on it. Likely, everything that's around you at this very moment, involved the use of Oil to bring to you. Every single bit of plastic derives from crude oil. Plastic is everywhere. The screen you're reading this from, almost all packaging materials, knife handles, pens, coat hangers, even your clothing and shoes. The reason bottled water is expensive is because it's in a bottle. Not only that, but just transporting something requires harnessing energy from something derived from crude oil. If and when sources of crude oil begin to run low, everything will cost more, because it costs more to make and to bring to you.

How do we stop this inevitable disaster? Well, we can't. We can't simply get up one day and stop using oil, because we're so dependant on it. But we can slow it down by consuming less. Some people are already working towards that.

Oil is only one part of a bigger picture. Many people don't really see or look at the bigger picture. It's probably because people don't want to accept something so grim.


In a single sentence, I can tell you how to save the environment. "Consume less of everything."

That's basically it. As living things, we must consume resources to survive. The problem is that we're consuming far too much, which isn't healthy for the world.

But, oil isn't the only natural resource we're dependant on, though I think it's the most prominent in media. We're nearing the limit of many other resources. With the invention of machines, we can do things faster. But as a result, we consume much faster.

We drink up all the water, we eat plants and animals after growing them in farms, and take up room on the earth. As our population grows, we take up more room for living spaces, and for farms. We consume more and more.

The environment is in trouble because of us. We made it like this. Not only because of our reckless, unmoderated ways of consumption, but also because there's simply too many of us. The "One Child per Family" concept in China is a terrific way to reduce our population slowly, but many people hate it. Why?

It's because we're human. We're naturally selfish. We all want to have a place on this rock with our family, but pretty soon there won't be any more places.

How can we stop being so selfish? I don't really know.
How can we reduce our population in a way that satisfies everyone? We can't. We have to do something, and follow it. It's impossible to satisfy everyone.

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Blog Action Day

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Blog Action Day is on Monday, October 15th, less than a week from now. It was proposed two months ago, and blog listings began at that time, also. I signed up a few days after that. The above picture is the result of a "blogger personality quiz of sorts", and although some answers did not exactly apply to me, I did it to the best of my ability, and that's my result. I think many, many people will get this same result, but I'm not really sure. I haven't really done much on this two year old blog. Blog Action Day is going to be my first attempt at really participating in the "blogosphere".

I really hope that I'll be more active in the many projects I'm trying to get into. Maybe in the future, this blog will get bigger. I'm going to feel a bit flustered when I begin writing for Monday..

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A financial worst case scenario, with the works

I'm in a worst case scenario, financially, and perhaps in everything else. That, or I'm pessimistic. Maybe both. This is my story of an extremely bad situation, which starts over 25 years ago...

Actually, it encompasses much more than finance. This is basically half of my life story.

Before placing it here, I emailed this story to Trent, from The Simple Dollar. He also responded on his blog. This version has a few additional details as a result.

My scenario isn't limited to just myself, but my whole family.

My parents are immigrants/refugees from Vietnam. When they arrived here in Australia, they both took jobs and lived an extremely frugal lifestyle, sending all savings to my mother's side of the family, who still remained in Vietnam. Before butchers realised that some people actually eat stuff other people may discard, they sold these "scraps" for an extremely low cost. So, they lived on broths and stews made from stuff like chicken feet. (Instant ramen was probably more expensive at the time.)

This was in the 1980's. My sister was born in the early 80's, my brother, late 80's.

In 1990, I was born, and my mother's side of the family immigrated to here shortly before my birth. Upon my brother's birth and mine, my mother left work to take care of us.

Throughout my younger life, this is pretty much all the detail I knew about my family's time before my birth, chicken feet and all.

Before my enlightenment on finance, I didn't think about it much, but for most of my life you could say that I was spoilt. It was done for my benefit, so I could get a good education. Both of my parents didn't get very far in school.

We still only have one source of income, and that's my father. My sister moved out, and my brother and I do not have jobs, as well as my mother.

We always had and we still get a fair amount of stuff. Several computers, game consoles, many games and DVDs, 5 or 6 TVs, 3 surround sound systems and several DVD players, double beds.. it just goes on. And it's been going for probably over 12 years. All on credit cards. We took out another home loan to paint the house. (I objected to this, due to money, and this house containing a few unique properties..)

My dad repairs extra cars on the weekend for some extra cash, which is spent on food. After living a poor childhood and super-frugal life in a new country full of opportunity, who can blame him?

My mother's side of the family aren't very good with finance, either. After they immigrated here, they never helped us, and they still occasionally ask for money. (we always refuse.) They're not exactly good at finance either. They took out a home loan and threw the money around. We clearly sponsored the wrong side of the family to move over.

I'm about to finish/fail Year 12, and hit with depression. I'm currently not trying to find a job, nor am I interested. I'm not sure on which path of education to follow.. I have tons of dreams I wish to fufill, but it all conflicts with the financial situation, so I sit here confused and lost, going nowhere. I'm quite sensitive to discouragement, so I have discarded a fair number of pursuits.

Next year, this should all ease up a little, when my mother takes up a job and if my sister moves back in. But where does that leave me? How do I save everyone?

You could say most of my family is stubborn, and I am as well, in some areas. I don't want to live an empty life, and have an empty job. But there is a great amount of weight, pushing me down. I feel helpless. My mother won't use any money if I send any to them, which makes me worry somewhat..

I'm pretty much stuck between selfish desires and selfless ones. Go to school and do something my parents never got, or go by myself and follow my dreams. I need to help earn money to help my parents, but I have to go to school for the same reason, and then my personal feelings and beliefs get in the way.
I just want to get away from it all for a while, but I can't, I try to look at other paths but the arrows all point to the exact same one. roughly ten years of emptiness, earning money and repaying debts..

It's all so confusing. I can't leave one alone, but I can't get it all.

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Loyalty, acting noble

One time, in an IRC chatroom, someone called me noble. It was after I explained my reason for doing something: simply because I wanted to help. Now, I don't know whether I'm being humble or telling the truth, but that word's a little strong for me. Though it does describe me well enough in a single word.

At this very moment, just like many times before, I am sitting here, late at night, waiting for something. A response.

I am on Wikipedia, waiting for a fellow editor's reply.

I've been in a number of discussions over the years, and occasionally I can't pull myself away from the seat, as an important discussion is occuring. At least, I consider it important. I feel quite concerned whenever there is a possibility of conflict, or one that is occuring. After all, we can't work on something so significant if we can't get along. This is loyalty. I'm always there, often available, willing to give a hand, and/or stop the ones that are clenched into a fist.

Honourable qualities. Perhaps growing more rare as time goes on. It was only one time, by some person whose screen name I cannot remember, but that word, "noble", could very well describe me. Did I deserve it?

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Finding myself

Not being sure what to do, how and why, I have to take the journey of self discovery. I think everyone encounters this stage, at a certain point in their lives. I've always been thinking, and not acting, wondering why not.

I come across a number of blogs, many I find value in. There's The Simple Dollar, with money tips, Steve Olson's blog, for those pursuing freedom. And there's Living in my own World, which appears to be written by a person who follows the New Age. The most recent would be Success from the Nest. I'm only on the tip of the iceberg, there are so many more blogs I have yet to find and read. And I haven't left many messages yet.

But talking about the now.

For a while, (maybe a year, maybe less, I don't keep track,) I knew that we have to be more open with ourselves. Alot of people are afraid of speaking about themselves, but to understand each other we have to do it. I'm slowly becoming more confident, every time I speak (or write).

I read most of the Soul Searching tag from Success from the Nest, as this is what I need to read right now. Many are helpful, but a few stuck out.

Looking at the third one.

All of us have a unique ability. Maybe a few, maybe one, but there's always something, somewhere. However, because it feels natural to us, we don't notice it. For some time I've wanted to ask people how they saw me. What am I like in their eyes?

After reading it, I decided to move forward. I'll go up to a fair number of my good friends, and ask them: What is my most distinct, unique quality?

It's an unusual question, I'll admit. A rare, simple, yet deep question that may leave a lasting impression. No one really likes talking about themselves, and I feel that being able to go one step further and ask other people about yourself, takes great courage.

I've asked a few people already, and I'll list the (paraphrased) responses here. They are in the order of people who I think know the least about me, to the most:

1. My face, voice, and the way I speak. I appear smart. (This is the first impression I get from almost everyone.)
2. My hairstyle.
   
3. Being here. I'm always there at the same place, even when no one else is. (The person didn't appear serious though.. but it's still true)
4. Doing most of and completing the work on the final night before, and obtaining a higher grade than her, where she worked for two weeks.
5. Communicating. I don't hesitate to speak my mind.
6. "the fact that nothing makes you lose your cool, every time i see you your always composed and calm, its quite impressive"
7. The ability to speak truth, and what needs to be said, even with the knowledge of whether they like it or not.
8. My personality, described as somewhat cynical, somewhat realistic, like the Shrew from The Taming of the Shrew. (her interpretation of the Shrew is a bit different and milder from the actual meaning)

4 out of 12 people have answered that they don't know.

I'll add more as time goes on.
As soon as I feel that I've spoken to enough people, I'll continue this line of posting.

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Possible sources of my depressed mood

Depression. wow. I'm pretty sure in an early post I posted about how common it is among teenagers and such. I don't really look at my older posts though.. I think it's probably a good idea to write down the likely sources of my depressed mood, for better access. After all, part of the reason I made this blog was to write down my thoughts and share them, even if not many people are reading it.

The feeling of emptiness can result from depression or vice versa. I feel that they are closely linked and may even overlap.

Onto the list. It's quite long and probably has a fair bit of rambling.

The general feeling of mistrust towards my brother. For around two years I have been frequently frustrated at the state of our internet connection. Basically, there is a specified download quota for a package, and when it goes over the limit, the connection speed is severely cut down. Most of the consumption is usually from my brother. Recently (as in, about 4-5 months) I had doubled the quota, and our consumption had been mostly satisfied, but still was not sufficient. I had then decided to triple the quota on the following month, and in an unfortunate series of events, the limit was broken in around 4 days. Shortly before a holiday, where I would be consuming much more. All my holiday plans were subsequently discarded. This being the second time I discarded my holiday plans for the same reason, I was quite frustrated.

In a similar case, I am annoyed by the fact that a very noticable fingerprint is left on my Nintendo DS after my brother returns it to me, while in the meantime he expresses no knowledge of ever touching the screen.


Early in the production of my school's bi-annual musical I had noticed a generally low morale among the younger students, and expressed my concerns to the ever loved and lenient Director. The more experienced students had noticed it as well. As a result I was given a leadership role in the production("Chorus Captain"), but through the months I was mostly unsuccessful in morale. I made a number of seemingly successful attempts, and the climax of these events occured on the days before showtime.

Most, if not all teachers involved likely noticed, and was affected by the low morale. I, being the person who was in a role very similar to the teachers, felt it too. Rare things occured on those final days. The most rarest would be the ever lenient, fun, and loved director, getting angry. It was caused by my fellow chorus captain being reduced to tears on the first night of the performance, by this low morale. In contrast, our performances were performed relatively well.

There was also a large amount of thievery, mainly due to most cast members not securing their goods, despite many reminders.


Stemming from both of these there's a general feeling that people don't really listen to the things I have to say. My constant reminders fall upon deaf ears. The constant repeating of myself is quite annoying.


Rejection by people I have been attracted to may contribute, though I've gotten over that. I'm not interested in pursuing a relationship, and was merely interested in just confessing, though it still feels a bit painful. I posted about it before.


The occasional feeling of loneliness. It's probable it stems from the feeling of being ignored. I also lack much of a social life, but I'm not outgoing in the first place. It's possible that this is why I'm so fond of co-op play in video games, and parties in MMORPGs.

I feel that I have yet to find an ability I exceed at. I always seem to be outmatched by someone, lowering my morale. My brother always seems to defeat me almost all the time in games.

On the contrary, the general impression among people is that I'm smart. It might be true, who knows. I have destroyed that impression in a number of people mainly due to me openly demonstrating the fact that I am not really working very hard on things, and I feel quite bored at school. I've been working less and less as time goes on, so that appearance has been growing more dim. This reminds me of my high ability in sewing, when I was taking that subject for a term. I enjoyed it a fair bit as well, unlike some other male students. I think I have a fair bit of dexterity, and something such as sewing would use it to a great extent.


I've expressed great interest in The Arts but none of my subjects are related to it. My inability to change to subjects related to this is quite disappointing, but it is a fair bit too late. I've been plagued with poor subject choice for the past 3 years.

In grade 10 I had abandoned my most favourite subjects, Japanese and Drama, to try out digital design(DDS), and an advanced subject that would cover higher level maths and sciences(AMS). DDS felt quite lacking in experience, as it was mostly self study, while for AMS I had gotten a very terrible teacher.

Still straying away from my much loved Japanese and Drama, I chose many maths and science subjects for Years 11/12. I had the terrible teacher again, while for the most important math subject, my teacher kept arriving late and we changed teachers often, so there was alot of instability. In the following year (this year) that was all fixed, though in the first term it was still a little jumpy. But I had already lost most of my morale.

I had attempted changing AMS to something else but was told that there were no open places in other subjects, so I was left with the impression that it was difficult to change subjects, so I never tried in the following years.

Just copying from my earlier post:
Every other year there's this trip my school holds and it's basically a two week trip around Japan. We see places, enter a school and see their processes. On each even year it's the other way around. Their school students coming here. Mainly it's for students learning the Japanese language. I had a chance three years ago but somehow never got to it. Something about my age and money being the root cause of not going. "Maybe when I'm older", I think. I didn't even bother signing up last year because I was under the impression that I had to study Japanese, but I found out a friend went nonetheless. I felt very bitter. I missed out on not one, but two chances of going with maybe only a dozen other classmates on a fun, unique experience. It would feel very different if I went independantly, or even next year if I end up repeating.


My general lack in faith in humanity, though I don't know if it would contribute, I'm putting it in for good measure. Basically, we're consuming too much and not giving much back. I feel that no one's really putting enough effort into changing it. Maybe not many are aware, or simply don't care. A recent grim sign of ignorance and perhaps laziness is the aftermath of Live Earth at the London venue, as BBC mentioned. The floor was littered with plastic cups. Recycling bins were provided, for crying out loud! And people simply left the cleaning up for others to do. That's not how it's supposed to be done. Take responsibility.

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